Book 14: Hera distracts Zeus because she’s hot
Nestor Visits The Injured Men
Despite the battle raging on at the edge of the Greek camps, Nestor fails to hear the outcry. Machaon, still injured and laying on a bed, pops his head up to say (something along the lines of) “Hey man … can’t you hear the shouting from the ships? Are you just going to sit here drinking wine all evening or …?” So Nestor gets up and picks up his son Thrasymedes’ shield (although literally two lines later the shield is said to have only been held by Thrasymedes because it was his father’s shield … so it’s really just Nestor’s shield and gets passed around), grabs a bronze spear and then leaves the tent to go find the sons of Atreus.
The old man goes to find the wounded heroes of the war (Diomedes, Odysseus, and Agamemnon), and finds them walking together in a group and leaning on their spears, their hearts filled with sorrow as they look out to the battle.
Agamemnon speaks to Nestor first and asks why he’s left the fighting. He fears that Hector will not go back to the walls of Troy until he’s set fire to the ships and killed all the men in their camp. Now that Hector is so close to achieving this, Agamemnon worries that all the Greeks will hate him (like Achilles does) and they won’t want to fight for him.
Nestor answers and says that Hector has taken down the wall that they trusted to protect their ships, but that the men are still fighting tooth and nail to protect them. However, Nestor says that that’s not why he’s come to them, stating that the more important thing is for them to put their heads together and think about what to do moving forward.
Agamemnon replies by saying that if the wall is down and the ditch didn’t help AT ALL, then it must be Zeus’s wish that the Greeks die. He says that the best thing they can all do now is to go just home.
Understandably, Odysseus gets mad hearing this. He turns to Agamemnon and says (something like) “What the hell did you just say!? Don’t you dare say that loud enough for anyone to hear or they just might take you up on that offer!”
Agamemnon then replies saying Odysseus hurt his feelings. He stresses that he’s not demanding any Greeks to drag their ships into the water and go home if they really don’t want to, but thinks that the option is valid.
Diomedes cuts it to highlight that he’s the youngest of the men standing around right now. He says that they must all go back out into fighting and must not only refrain from getting hurt again, but they must mainly encourage everyone else to continue pursuing the Trojans. All the men hear Diomedes and agree, with Agamemnon leading them all away.
As the men are walking, Poseidon takes on the likeness of an old man and approaches Agamemnon. He grabs him by the hand and says that Achilles must now be happy as he can see the Greeks are being slaughtered without his aid, but Agamemnon is not like Achilles and the gods are not mad at him. Poseidon tells him how there will be a time when Agamemnon will see the lords of Troy running back to their city far away from the Greek ships and so they must carry on fighting. He then leaves and screams with the volume of nine thousand men, which apparently ignites a fire in all the Greeks to keep pushing forward (how? I don’t know the science so can’t offer that insight).
Hera Makes Herself Hot As Hell
We now cut to Hera on Olympus, watching over the gods’ actions and scrutinising everyone in her typical queen-of-the-gods fashion. As she’s scanning the horizon, she notices Poseidon down with the Greeks which puts her in a good mood, and then sees Zeus sitting on Mount Ida, brewing with rage. Feeling the anger radiating from her husband at such a distance, Hera comes up with a plan to make him … well, less hateful. By doing this she hopes to alleviate the pressure being placed on the Greeks and buy them some time to fight off the Trojans. She decides that the best method of distracting her husband is to make herself super hot, go to Ida, and sleep with him.
And so, she goes to her chamber, closes the door with a special lock so no other god could open it, and gets herself all dolled up. She first washes her body with ambrosia, then rubs some sweet olive oil onto her skin, followed by an extensive session of brushing her long, luscious, curly hair. She dresses in an ambrosial robe Athena had woven for her, pins the robe on with a golden brooch, and then puts on earrings with “triple drops”. Lastly she adds a veil and voila: the look is complete.
Fastening her sandals to her feet, she emerges from her chamber and calls on Aphrodite. Hera asks Aphrodite if the fact that they are siding with opposite teams in the war will impact their relationship off the battlefield, as the queen of the gods needs Aphrodite’s help. The goddess of love confirms that if Hera needs her help in any aspect outside of war, then she is more than happy to assist.
Hera asks Aphrodite to give her “undesirable grace” so that she can go and talk to Tethys and Okeanos. These old gods are apparently not on speaking terms, and Hera suggests that it is in everybody’s interest if she goes to help them reconcile. This, for those of you who haven’t already clocked it — is a complete and utter lie. Hera knows that if she were to be honest with Aphrodite, then the goddess of love would never help her.
Aphrodite agrees to help Hera bring “undesirable grace” to the ancient gods. She gives Hera this breastplate that has all of her loveliness, power and passion contained within it. The goddess of love instructs Hera to wear it on her chest but to hide it under her robe, saying (something along the lines of) “Whatever is in your heart’s desire shall not go unaccomplished”. Hera does as she’s told, Aphrodite goes back into the house and Hera continues on to the island of Lemnos.
When she reaches Lemnos, Hera goes to meet up with the god of Sleep. She clasps his hand and tells him her plan, asking him to swoop in after the married couple has… done the deed … in order to make Zeus fall into a deep sleep. She tells him that if he is to help her, then Sleep will receive many gifts, including a gold throne and footstool which Hephaestus will make him (is it still a gift from you if you’re forcing another god to make it??).
Understandably, Sleep is hesitant. He says (something like) “Look lady, if this plan involved any other god then I’d say sure, but there’s no way in hell I’m doing that to Zeus”. He tells us that Hera has a history of asking him to help her in scheming against her husband. One time, Sleep did actually help and it turned out horrendously. The story goes that during the original sacking of Troy, Hera was attempting to make Heracles’ life incredibly difficult but was unable to do much with Zeus watching over her. She had asked Sleep to put her husband into a deep slumber, which he did, and when Zeus woke up he was so mad that he was storming through his house looking for Sleep in order to punish him. Sleep claims if it wasn’t for the old goddess of Night (called Nye) coming in to rescue him, Zeus would have found him and probably killed him. With that in mind, Sleep gives Hera’s offer a hard pass.
As a last resort, Hera tells Sleep that if he is to help her this time round then she will give him Pasithea — one of the graces who Sleep fancies — in marriage. Sleep really likes the sound of this and so has Hera swear on the river Styx that he will get Pasithea in marriage for his service. Hera swears and the pair leave Lemnos to go to Ida.
Hera Finds Zeus
When the pair arrive at Ida, Sleep goes to hide in the forest under the cover of pine trees to wait for his cue. Hera then goes on to find Zeus by herself.
When Zeus sees his wife approaching, he is immediately distracted by how alluring she appears. In fact, Zeus is so distracted by his wife that his lust for her is compared to the first time he saw her in this light before they had even hooked up — it’s fresh, new, and exciting. The king of the gods comes to stand next to her and asks her why she has come to him.
Hera, again, relays the lie she told Aphrodite about wanting to help Tethys and Okeanos reconnect. She says that she’s just there to stop by and keep her husband in the loop so that he doesn’t get mad at her for her totally innocent plan.
Zeus tells her that all of that is great, but there is time for talk later. He says that he has never been more attracted to her than in this very moment, claiming that she’s hotter than all of the other women he has had sex with (remember that he has slept with the women he lists WHILST being married to Hera, so it’s not the best tactic to wooing his wife).
Hera suggests that the pair go back to her chambers to make love as Mount Ida is too open for such activities. However, Zeus is a man with a plan and creates an opaque golden cloud for them to canoodle in — a cloud so thick that not even Helios, the Titan sun god, can see through it. Hera shrugs and the pair get busy in the cloud. Once they have finished, Zeus is immediately put to sleep by our hiding deity in the pine trees.
Back On The Battlefield
The god of Sleep then runs over to Poseidon (who is still with the Greeks at their ships) and tells him that now is his time to help the Greeks gain back some territory. After delivering the message, Sleep leaves Poseidon to it.
Poseidon jumps up to address the Greeks and excites them for war. All of them cheer and pick up their arms to return to battle.
Diomedes, Odysseus and Agamemnon assist in making sure all the best warriors were given the best armour, after which the armed soldiers then march into battle. On the Trojan side, Hector led the men into battle. Both sides meet and the fighting erupts.
Hector Fights Big Ajax
Hector immediately goes attack Big Ajax. He throws his spear at the giant Greek, the spear hits him in the chest but he is protected by two leather straps crossed over one another (straps that hold up his weapons and shield) and therefore the spear doesn't actually pierce any skin.
Hector is frustrated at his failure but knows that Ajax is going to come and kill him in retaliation, so he shrinks back into the Trojan army for cover.
Big Ajax sees Hector slinking backwards and zeros in on his target. He picks up a huge rock and lobs it at Hector, hitting him in the chest next to the throat. The force with which the rock hits him causes the Trojan prince to almost spin on impact, but ultimately he falls to the ground, injured and winded.
All the Greeks see this and start throwing their spears at Hector hoping to kill him, but not a single man actually gets him because the Trojans quickly gather about to defend him. Aeneas, Poulydamas, Agenor, Sarpedon and Glaukos all form a defensive line, giving lesser Trojans a chance to pull Hector into safety. The Trojan prince is then plopped onto a chariot and driven back in the direction of the city.
The chariot stops by the Xanthos river so that the men can take Hector out of the vehicle and splash him with water. This alerts Hector ever so slightly out of his daze, but only enough that he manages to stagger onto one knee and vomit up blood. He then collapses back on the ground.
As Hector was being driven away from the battle, the Greeks snap into fighting again. On the Greek side, Little Ajax stabs Satnios, Enop’s son, in the “flank”, whereas on the Trojan side Poulydamas stabs Prothoenor in the shoulder. Seeing this, Big Ajax attempts to avenge Prothoenor’s death by shooting a spear at Poulydamas, however the Trojan dodges it, causing it to hit Archelechos, son of Antenor, in the neck.
Greek Peneleos then takes on Ilioneus, son of Phorbas, by throwing his spear at the Trojan. The weapon catches him under the brow at the base of the eye, pushes the eye out of the socket and the spear goes clean through his eye socket and head, severing the tendons at the base of his neck. Peneleos then takes out his sword and separates Ilioneus’ head from his body. Holding onto the spear, Peneleos lifts the head from the ground (the eye, by the way, is still hanging off the end of the spear). He holds it up for all to see, screaming (something like) “LET THIS GUY’S FAMILY KNOW HE DIED ON THE DAY THE GREEKS SAILED HOME”. Seeing this, all the Trojans shudder.
Homer then evokes the muses at the end of the book, asking who of the Greeks was first to win honour. He tells us that Big Ajax cut down Hyrtios, lord of Mysians. Antilochus killed Phalkes and Mermeros. Meriones kills Morys and Hippotion. Teucer kills Periphetes and Prothoon. Menelaos stabs Hyperenor “in the flank” so all his guts came out. However, it was Little Ajax who caught and killed the most men.
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